Here there everywhere

I arrived back on June 20th, about 6 weeks ago, after being away for 4 months for some really sad shit. August marks 10 years in NYC. I cannot believe it's been a decade. Being back, it felt new and nice. I knew coming back would present its own challenges but I came back with a fresh perspective, new desires, and excitement. I felt I had thought things through and prepared myself to deal with readjusting. I was sad, but ready to live life! I did not think I'd go to the dark place I did. I’ve been meaning to write about this for weeks now but just haven't been able to do it until now.

When my mom died I didn't really cry. I shed some tears but I didn't REALLY cry. I started to think something was wrong with me. It was a little scary actually. I started to question myself. Am I a cold person? What's wrong with my heart? But things unfold as they will a little differently for each person. It really set in over the last 6 weeks. It's been difficult. I had moments of clarity and control and then there were moments I was in shambles. I feel like I’ve been falling apart. All of my relationships have suffered - I've had a really hard time managing my stress and I tend to disconnect and alienate myself. All the positivity I felt and everything I set my mind to do and to be when my mother was leaving us, just wasn't panning out. And that was overwhelming. I landed myself in a debilitating cycle of frustration.

All of this, I believe, manifested itself physically. My hair thinned, I gained weight, and have been generally uncomfortable. Two weeks ago out of nowhere I began to have severe abdominal pains that took me to the ER. All sorts of exams later and I'm told I'm healthy and everything looks great. Great! And perplexing. That's when I knew I had to start making changes in my life. This was tear-shedding, can't walk, can't lay down, can't move pain....and I'm supposedly healthy. 

All the things I have been telling myself had to happen. Be more thoughtful of what I put in my body. Take time to connect with myself every day. Be kinder to myself. I can't love others if I can't love myself. I can't forget all the lessons I've learned - everything my mother has taught me, everything I've learned from watching my father, everything I've learned about myself, why I'm here and where I can go. I hope I can find the discipline to stick to the things I know I need. The things I want to do. I hope I can find the open-heartedness to love all moments.

Thank you all. Thank you to everyone who has shared their energy, their warmth and their stories with me. I didn't realize how much it would mean to me to share my feelings, my story, my life and receive back. 

I get it. I get it’s a process. My mother's death and following events have really aroused a lot within me. It made me really look inwards and reevaluate myself. You've read my thoughts - all kinds of feels. It's taking its course and I had to go through some really bad moments before finding any semblance of peace. "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." says Rumi. I'm working on it.

The last few days the clouds have started to pass and here comes the sun.