The path with the heart

This year has been transformative.

I think I did okay making sense of and processing everything while staying positive, but I felt what any person might feel. I had many ups and many downs. July and August were the worst. I was back in NY and trying to adjust but I was fighting a force that was pulling at me, dragging me down.

The first week of August I went to Europe for work. I looked forward to being in a different space and being with myself. Outside of work, I spent most of my trip alone. It was exhilarating and overcome with feeling. I think being removed from what I could consider normal allowed me to be free in a way I hadn't felt in so long. I cherished those moments of solitude and I listened to myself. Towards the end I began to crave connection, so I made friends. It was an unforgettable, emotional experience.

When I landed back in NY it happened. I imploded. I literally felt a shift in my being. I know it didn't arrive overnight, but it seemed like it. I had this sense of urgency and an intense need to be free of everything and everyone. To be new. Things that had worried me or seemed important before were easy to forget. My reality shattered. I really did feel like everything was in pieces. How do I feel? Who am I? What do I want from my life? It was confusing but at the same time empowering. It was my chance to truly face my truth - something I had been doing gradually.

I read a lot about mindfulness, introspection, inspiration and the world. I had many insightful discussions. I opened up more and connected with people. Became active and started making healthier choices. I have worked hard to be self-compassionate. The last few weeks I finally feel that things are coming together. I know there was no other way to get here. This year has given me a new appreciation for life and a respect for its fragility. I have decided to look at my chosen and unchosen beliefs and to reevaluate my perspective on many things. Learning to reframe things has been key.

Years ago I discovered The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge by Carlos Castaneda, in which I was struck by "choosing the path with the heart." That is my quest and this is the year.

Right now I'm in a space of discovery and taking chances. With that comes the decision to let my life unfold in a new direction. I packed up my workspace today, returned my laptop and keycard and left a place that has meant so much to me for something new. Something uncertain.

I am so excited for what the possibilities are. A moment that passes is a moment that is gone. I want to devour all my moments and follow my curiosity. I want to learn how other people live and about all the things I do not know.

What is certain is that I never want to say "I wish I had loved more." Loved myself. Loved you. The energy put out goes right back in. That is how I plan to live my life.

I'm starting with some travel. Seattle to Europe to Asia to ??. I still haven't booked my flight home! I can't wait to share my story with you. :)