Dec 11

There’s a scene from the show Westworld (I’m obsessed!) that really struck me. It’s spoken by a robot who looks and behaves like a human. She begins to gain consciousness, to truly become human. I saw myself in that and I got choked up.

AI: Then they killed them. And then... I ran. Everyone I cared about is gone... and it hurts... so badly.
Human: I can make that feeling go away if you'd like.
AI: Why would I want that? The pain, their loss... it's all I have left of them. You think the grief will make you smaller inside, like your heart will collapse in on itself, but it doesn't. I feel spaces opening up inside of me, like a building with rooms I've never explored.
Human: That's very pretty, Dolores. Did we write that for you?
AI: In part. I adapted it from a scripted dialogue about love. 

Love. That is the one thing I keep coming back to. Love for myself and love for others. Just, love. Accepting true love is the only thing that allows you to feel real meaningful emotion.

This past year has been the most terrible yet most meaningful year of my life. I re-evaluate why I am here and what really matters. It is a daily exercise. 

Despite the darkness, and actually because of it, I have had some incredible times this year. I decided to pursue my passions and a path of self-discovery, I traveled all over the world, and I rekindled love. 

The way I felt a year ago is drastically different than how I feel now.  My world has changed. I have worked fucking hard this year. Harder than I thought I had in me or that I would ever need to. Confronting the truths within you is not always easy and self-awareness on its own is not corrective. I actively reflect on and process my experiences in a way I hope keeps me moving forward. 

So when I think about the person I am and how I want to make others feel, about the energy I want to put out with my every thought and every movement, I try to act on it. Life is change, sometimes sought out and other times pushed upon you. You can’t ignore the movement of the universe and your soul. Eventually everything connects if you allow it.

I want to create. I want to live in my curiosity. I want to open my mind as much as I can. I believe in myself and I believe in you and the power of togetherness.

I define and redefine myself.

I will create positive energy, accept the challenges of the day and allow myself greatness. I believe that this next year is full of greatness - more friendship, curiosity, boldness, more acting on my fears not because of them.

Anything can happen, anything can be. 

Thank you universe, family, husband and friends. You all have helped me get to where I am. You have believed in me and loved me. I appreciate every one of you who has reached out with kind words and support. 

The path ahead is always uncertain, but it’s mine. I’m thankful for accepting that I don’t always understand and that I don’t need all the answers. I am just so wildly excited and hopeful for everything that is to come.

This day will always be the day my mother brought me into this world, but I am born every day. 

I feel alive.