The people I want to be friends with are those with drive, curiosity and good energy. Those who seek to challenge their own perspective and act on introspection. Those who are kind to themselves and others and celebrate the power of smiles. And that is what I want to give. It's been a long journey coming to a point where I feel comfortable with who I am and genuinely embracing the direction I am going - the path I am paving for myself. That doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means I feel alive and I am resilient. I feel thankful for all the love and encouragement around me, many times when I couldn't even see it.

“The things we want are transformative, and we don’t know or only think we know what is on the other side of that transformation.”

— Rebecca Solnit

With all this travel I've been doing I've started to really understand what works for me and now I have a "travel pack". I started making lists of things to remember to take with me. Thought I'd share some of my travel essentials, things I just can't go without.

• Bose headphones - I used to have the small on-ear headphones from Bose that broke last month and I can't seem to find them anywhere. I guess they discontinued them. I did a bunch of research and kept coming across these as the best in the game. Hefty price tag but SO worth it. Super comfy, noise-cancelling which is actually amazing, and great sound quality.
• Earplugs - I'm a light-sleeper and like to block out any sound distractions. They aren't noise-canceling but they do a good job of muffling.
• Eye mask - Like I said, light sleeper over here. This eye mask fits the face perfectly.
• Socks - I get cold easily and I like to keep my toes warm.
• Scarf - An easy blanket.
• Pillow - Yes, it looks weird and maybe a little gross but it's the best travel pillow ever.
• Gum and Aquaphor - Keep that mouth fresh and those lips supple.
• Magazines/books - My favorite magazine is Wired. I like reading print especially when I'm traveling.
• Travel charger - This charger from Anker is small enough to keep in your pocket or purse and a life-saver when you're always on your phone for long stretches. All their chargers are great.
• Notebook/pen - The beauty and charm of old school pen and paper to jot down those ideas and doodle. I love these lightweight Moleskines.
• A good set of Spotify playlists. I'll be updating my Spotify with my faves so follow me, username Humailee.
• Hulu and other shows downloaded

It's only March and I'm feeling pumped. The year is off to a busy and inspiring start. Since January I've traveled to Berlin, London, Milan and Paris to shoot fashion weeks in each of those cities and ended the long stretch of travel with a vacation in Bangkok. You can check out the photos on my portfolio page.

Now, finally back in NYC with lots to do!

I've just given my website a face lift (I hope you like it) and am working on putting together a more formal portfolio. Also, must keep practicing and perfect my video skills. My main job now is to work and create beautiful imagery. I want to capture meaningful moments. I want to shoot everything.

HYFN is kicking back into gear as well. I'll talk more about what that means for me and where I hope it goes in another post.

In addition to the professional stuff, I'm focused on overall wellness. It's all tied together and so so important for all aspects of my being. I've been meditating, exercising, reading, playing the uke and working every day since I've been back. And it feels awesome. There's definitely something to be said for keeping a routine. 

As I think about everything that has transpired in the last few years and how low my 2016 got, I choose to see it as a challenge and as a push. The feedback and response I received to sharing my story has really inspired me to find a way I can contribute and make mental health/loss/grief a key and open conversation within my network and community.

And with all of this, I want to incorporate into my life writing in my blog. So I've committed to sharing my thoughts, updates and everything else with you. I've said it before and didn't follow through. This time is different, promise.

Ok, here we go.

After a long weekend in Seattle, I flew directly to Paris. A few hours after arriving, I took my camera and met Atif outside of a fashion show. I had just left a promising career to embark on a journey of self-exploration. With this huge life change I decided I would follow curiosity and see where I land and what I learn. First task was to tackle street style photography.

The show had just ended and there were streams of people flowing out of the building. Some lingered while others slinked their way through the crowd off to the next show. It was Paris Fashion Week.

I had no idea who was who, if someone was even an anyone in the industry. I took a place out of anyone's way on the sidewalk and just watched with my camera by my side. I was completely paralyzed with fear and couldn't bring myself to take even one photo. At one point, noticing that I was just standing there, Atif came over and encouraged me to get into it and just snap away. Nope, I couldn't. I left with no photos.

On my way to the next show a few hours later, I thought about what had happened. It's always been in my nature to be reserved and a bit timid. As I've grown older I've had to push past it because it's often hindered me professionally and socially, but it still lingers there inside me. I reflected on all this then decided that I really didn't want to let myself feel like I couldn't do something or I couldn't learn. After all, this was the whole point of this new chapter in my life. So I forced myself to do what was making me feel incredibly uncomfortable and scared: at the next show I got out there, picked up my camera and captured moments. I tried not to worry about anything or anyone (photographers can get pretty aggressive for the shot) and I tried to believe in myself.

This battle is a challenge and there are tons of times I still feel intimidated. But how incredibly rewarding it is to push yourself outside of your normal boundaries. It just completely opens up your world and it's a high. I'm constantly learning about myself by being behind the camera.

I learned that I don't love shooting fashion but I won't pass up the opportunity to learn and reflect. I shot Fashion Week this year, both in NY and Paris, and it left me feeling uneasy. I don't get how so much money and time can be spent on something as superficial as this and how society can revere models and celebrities (among others) like gods while there are people out there fighting for human beings' basic rights to survive and survive a decent life. This is a larger thought I'll have to come back to in another post.

All in all, this was an exhilarating experience that reminded me to keep trying.

Here's a set of my photos from Fall Paris Fashion Week 2016. Let me know what you think!

I've recently begun to truly embrace discovery and taking chances. I've allowed my life to unfold in new directions. At the end of September I packed up my workspace and left a place that has meant so much to me for something new. Something uncertain. I have spent the last three months traveling, taking photos, opening up to new relationships and strengthening old connections.

I flew out right after my last day of work. First stop Seattle. My younger brother works at Amazon and so many young people are employed that they hold a Bring Your Parents to Work Day, ha! We took this as a chance to all come together for the first time since my mother's death in May. That unintentional space looks like it was meant for her.

I didn't explore the city the way I normally would, and felt pretty uninspired in taking photos. And sometimes that's okay, sometimes you just accept that feeling and let it grow out of itself. We spent time at the Seattle Art Museum, toured an organic and fair trade chocolate factory, visited a lavender farm, and ate a lot. And best of all we just hung out and enjoyed each other.

This visit was powerful - it was nice to be together and a reflective way to kick off my journey. Surrounding myself with the people who love me the most and who I am eternally connected with felt like a great way to move out of one space in my life and into another. 

There’s a scene from the show Westworld (I’m obsessed!) that really struck me. It’s spoken by a robot who looks and behaves like a human. She begins to gain consciousness, to truly become human. I saw myself in that and I got choked up.

AI: Then they killed them. And then... I ran. Everyone I cared about is gone... and it hurts... so badly.
Human: I can make that feeling go away if you'd like.
AI: Why would I want that? The pain, their loss... it's all I have left of them. You think the grief will make you smaller inside, like your heart will collapse in on itself, but it doesn't. I feel spaces opening up inside of me, like a building with rooms I've never explored.
Human: That's very pretty, Dolores. Did we write that for you?
AI: In part. I adapted it from a scripted dialogue about love. 

Love. That is the one thing I keep coming back to. Love for myself and love for others. Just, love. Accepting true love is the only thing that allows you to feel real meaningful emotion.

This past year has been the most terrible yet most meaningful year of my life. I re-evaluate why I am here and what really matters. It is a daily exercise. 

Despite the darkness, and actually because of it, I have had some incredible times this year. I decided to pursue my passions and a path of self-discovery, I traveled all over the world, and I rekindled love. 

The way I felt a year ago is drastically different than how I feel now.  My world has changed. I have worked fucking hard this year. Harder than I thought I had in me or that I would ever need to. Confronting the truths within you is not always easy and self-awareness on its own is not corrective. I actively reflect on and process my experiences in a way I hope keeps me moving forward. 

So when I think about the person I am and how I want to make others feel, about the energy I want to put out with my every thought and every movement, I try to act on it. Life is change, sometimes sought out and other times pushed upon you. You can’t ignore the movement of the universe and your soul. Eventually everything connects if you allow it.

I want to create. I want to live in my curiosity. I want to open my mind as much as I can. I believe in myself and I believe in you and the power of togetherness.

I define and redefine myself.

I will create positive energy, accept the challenges of the day and allow myself greatness. I believe that this next year is full of greatness - more friendship, curiosity, boldness, more acting on my fears not because of them.

Anything can happen, anything can be. 

Thank you universe, family, husband and friends. You all have helped me get to where I am. You have believed in me and loved me. I appreciate every one of you who has reached out with kind words and support. 

The path ahead is always uncertain, but it’s mine. I’m thankful for accepting that I don’t always understand and that I don’t need all the answers. I am just so wildly excited and hopeful for everything that is to come.

This day will always be the day my mother brought me into this world, but I am born every day. 

I feel alive.

This year has been transformative.

I think I did okay making sense of and processing everything while staying positive, but I felt what any person might feel. I had many ups and many downs. July and August were the worst. I was back in NY and trying to adjust but I was fighting a force that was pulling at me, dragging me down.

The first week of August I went to Europe for work. I looked forward to being in a different space and being with myself. Outside of work, I spent most of my trip alone. It was exhilarating and overcome with feeling. I think being removed from what I could consider normal allowed me to be free in a way I hadn't felt in so long. I cherished those moments of solitude and I listened to myself. Towards the end I began to crave connection, so I made friends. It was an unforgettable, emotional experience.

When I landed back in NY it happened. I imploded. I literally felt a shift in my being. I know it didn't arrive overnight, but it seemed like it. I had this sense of urgency and an intense need to be free of everything and everyone. To be new. Things that had worried me or seemed important before were easy to forget. My reality shattered. I really did feel like everything was in pieces. How do I feel? Who am I? What do I want from my life? It was confusing but at the same time empowering. It was my chance to truly face my truth - something I had been doing gradually.

I read a lot about mindfulness, introspection, inspiration and the world. I had many insightful discussions. I opened up more and connected with people. Became active and started making healthier choices. I have worked hard to be self-compassionate. The last few weeks I finally feel that things are coming together. I know there was no other way to get here. This year has given me a new appreciation for life and a respect for its fragility. I have decided to look at my chosen and unchosen beliefs and to reevaluate my perspective on many things. Learning to reframe things has been key.

Years ago I discovered The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge by Carlos Castaneda, in which I was struck by "choosing the path with the heart." That is my quest and this is the year.

Right now I'm in a space of discovery and taking chances. With that comes the decision to let my life unfold in a new direction. I packed up my workspace today, returned my laptop and keycard and left a place that has meant so much to me for something new. Something uncertain.

I am so excited for what the possibilities are. A moment that passes is a moment that is gone. I want to devour all my moments and follow my curiosity. I want to learn how other people live and about all the things I do not know.

What is certain is that I never want to say "I wish I had loved more." Loved myself. Loved you. The energy put out goes right back in. That is how I plan to live my life.

I'm starting with some travel. Seattle to Europe to Asia to ??. I still haven't booked my flight home! I can't wait to share my story with you. :)

I have become incredibly close with my father in the last 6 months. We've developed a relationship built on open feelings, affection and respect as we've supported each other through some dark moments. We are friends. Today was an important day, as he went in for surgery. Two weeks after my mother died he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. As perplexing as life is, it is life. I'm always reminding myself to keep a full heart and keep on. And to give him more kisses!

I arrived back on June 20th, about 6 weeks ago, after being away for 4 months for some really sad shit. August marks 10 years in NYC. I cannot believe it's been a decade. Being back, it felt new and nice. I knew coming back would present its own challenges but I came back with a fresh perspective, new desires, and excitement. I felt I had thought things through and prepared myself to deal with readjusting. I was sad, but ready to live life! I did not think I'd go to the dark place I did. I’ve been meaning to write about this for weeks now but just haven't been able to do it until now.

When my mom died I didn't really cry. I shed some tears but I didn't REALLY cry. I started to think something was wrong with me. It was a little scary actually. I started to question myself. Am I a cold person? What's wrong with my heart? But things unfold as they will a little differently for each person. It really set in over the last 6 weeks. It's been difficult. I had moments of clarity and control and then there were moments I was in shambles. I feel like I’ve been falling apart. All of my relationships have suffered - I've had a really hard time managing my stress and I tend to disconnect and alienate myself. All the positivity I felt and everything I set my mind to do and to be when my mother was leaving us, just wasn't panning out. And that was overwhelming. I landed myself in a debilitating cycle of frustration.

All of this, I believe, manifested itself physically. My hair thinned, I gained weight, and have been generally uncomfortable. Two weeks ago out of nowhere I began to have severe abdominal pains that took me to the ER. All sorts of exams later and I'm told I'm healthy and everything looks great. Great! And perplexing. That's when I knew I had to start making changes in my life. This was tear-shedding, can't walk, can't lay down, can't move pain....and I'm supposedly healthy. 

All the things I have been telling myself had to happen. Be more thoughtful of what I put in my body. Take time to connect with myself every day. Be kinder to myself. I can't love others if I can't love myself. I can't forget all the lessons I've learned - everything my mother has taught me, everything I've learned from watching my father, everything I've learned about myself, why I'm here and where I can go. I hope I can find the discipline to stick to the things I know I need. The things I want to do. I hope I can find the open-heartedness to love all moments.

Thank you all. Thank you to everyone who has shared their energy, their warmth and their stories with me. I didn't realize how much it would mean to me to share my feelings, my story, my life and receive back. 

I get it. I get it’s a process. My mother's death and following events have really aroused a lot within me. It made me really look inwards and reevaluate myself. You've read my thoughts - all kinds of feels. It's taking its course and I had to go through some really bad moments before finding any semblance of peace. "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." says Rumi. I'm working on it.

The last few days the clouds have started to pass and here comes the sun.